Guest post by Farnoush Davoudi, mother of an Autistic girl.

Those IEP Meetings…

Summer is over, and the season of cozy scarves and pumpkin spice lattes is here. So is the season of new challenges—transitioning back to school, navigating anxiety about new classes and teachers, juggling after-school programs, and yes…those IEP meetings too.

I don’t think there’s an autism parent out there who hasn’t felt the pressure of an IEP meeting. I confess that as a stress eater who runs straight for sugar when things get hard, I once bought a 1.5-pound chocolate cake—ate half of it before the IEP meeting to “prepare,” and polished off the rest afterward to calm my nerves.

So many of us walk into these meetings carrying hope, worry, and fear, trying to make sure our child’s needs are understood and supported—yet there’s no guarantee we’ll leave feeling successful. Leaving any meeting empty-handed is hard, but in IEP meetings, it feels even heavier because of the guilt—that gnawing sense that we’ve somehow failed our child.

Why These Meetings Feel So Heavy

Guilt isn’t the only reason IEP meetings feel overwhelming. They can also be intimidating, as the “school people” usually outnumber parents and sometimes appear completely united against them. That leaves us feeling alone, unheard, or dismissed as “just the parent.”

We also feel vulnerable—after all, it’s our child’s challenges and limitations being laid bare on the table. Even our parenting and life choices sometimes feel like they’re under a microscope.

And then there are our own inner conflicts. We want the school to meet our children where they are, yet we worry about how educators see them. That’s when the second-guessing creeps in: Should I underplay their challenges and highlight their strengths so my child isn’t seen as “too much work”? Or should I downplay their abilities and emphasize their struggles to make sure support continues?

On top of that, there’s the constant tug-of-war inside us—pushing hard to secure what our child needs while fearing we’ll be labelled a “difficult” parent. These mental battles are exhausting.

How We Get Through It

Despite all this, we survive IEP meetings one after another—not just with chocolate cake, of course!

We prepare and plan. Many of us attend learning sessions or workshops year-round to better understand our child’s rights, discover effective ways to support them, and strengthen our advocacy skills. We gear up at the end of summer by reviewing the existing IEP, report cards, and notes, highlighting what works and what doesn’t. We prepare documents, write down questions and priorities, and go into the meeting ready to take notes and ask purposeful, targeted questions.

We don’t go it alone. Some of us bring along family, friends, or volunteer parents as emotional support and note-takers. Others invite members of our private team or trusted experts to provide insight and guidance.

We see it through. After the meeting, we carefully review the IEP drafts, send and answer countless emails to make sure the plan truly reflects what was discussed, and follow through to ensure it gets done.

Better Than Cupcakes: Focusing on the Goal

Over the past ten years, I’ve sat through IEPs and other school meetings that became defining moments in my days. Some left me with a red face and clenched fists, while others sent me floating above the clouds. Both kinds of meetings taught me something—about my child, about the system, and about myself.

Before going to my first IEP meeting, another parent told me that she always brought cupcakes with her to look amiable. Well, this is what has worked better than cupcakes for me:

I learned that simply insisting on one exact thing—like a spot in the school band—and pushing harder and harder doesn’t always get us what we want. It may feel natural in the moment, but it’s not the most effective way to move things forward.

Take the school band example: What do you really want to gain from that? Is it because your child enjoys music? Do they like performing for an audience? Once you highlight the ultimate goal, you can look for other ways to reach it. It doesn’t have to be just one path. Explore alternatives with the school team, suggest your own ideas, and be open to theirs.

Choose something feasible within the school’s resources and rules, even if it’s not your first choice. Sometimes holding out for the “perfect” option means ending up with no option at all, while even part of what you hoped for can still make a meaningful difference. Those small, achievable wins build momentum toward bigger changes.

Leave the Guilt Behind

That was a tough meeting! You might feel like crying, screaming, or even kicking the nearest chair—and that’s understandable. But here’s what I refuse to let happen, my friend: you feeling guilty. You showed up, spoke up, and did your best for your child. Your presence, advocacy, and effort are what truly count.

It’s okay if you didn’t get everything you hoped for. No parent can solve every challenge or predict every outcome in a single session. Remember: an IEP is a process, not a verdict. One meeting doesn’t define your child’s future—it’s just one step in a longer journey.

Your child will always need your energy, care, and persistence. Don’t let worry, guilt, or self-doubt steal your power or silence your voice.